January 1: Out There vs In Here

Something surprising came up today.

I was trucking along quite nicely. I weighed and measured myself. I set up my Spark People account. I stuck pretty much within my calorie range, only cheating with a salad at dinner. I took a nap and lounged around the house. I listed out my bills for the months and my total debts owed. I did my weekly stuff: Reading a chapter in my organization book. I did my daily stuff: journaled, read the Bible, read my book. I may not have been happy but I was starting to feel like I was back in the game. I didn't necessarily feel unhappy either. I AM happy. Happy to hang out with Matt and the cats and play the Sims and take naps.

But there's been something nagging at me lately. The problem is that I can pin point what it is but that doesn't mean that I can do much about it.

I am lonely and I hate people. At this point in my life I am down to a few good friends. They may be few but they really are GOOD. My bestie moved to Connecticut last year and it's been rough. My other friends are so busy and so am I. A year and a half ago, Bestie lived two miles away and I could go there whenever I needed some social interaction.

That covers lonely.

Now, the reason I am down so many friends is that lots of people suck. They are liars and backstabbers and drama queens and quick to call you all of these things even though you know you aren't. They are two-faced and quick to drop you when someone else comes along who is more useful to them. And I hate it. I feel so slighted by my old friends sometimes. It doesn't matter if I don't see them or talk to them. I see them on Facebook and I hear about them through the grape vine and I get all tangled and knotty inside because I am HURT.

If I said it before, I've said it a thousand times. My happiness depends on me. It's about me taking responsibility for my life and living with no regrets. Happiness is about the IN HERE, not the OUT THERE. If I rely on the out there to be happy, I will be constantly crushed by other people and the news and the weather. I can't change those things. I can only change myself, how I think about and react to those things.

So, this year I am giving myself permission to be selfish. It has to be about me or it won't really make a difference at all.